Qualifications for Romney's Running Mate

Romney and Beth Meyer

Now that Willard Mitt Romney, a successful venture/vulture capitalist with Bain Capital and a Mormon Bishop, has all but secured the nomination for President from a grudging Republican Party, it is time for a potential president to make his first presidential-level decision -- choosing a running mate. 


Some wags suggest that it is not a matter of Mitt choosing someone, but a matter of finding someone willing to be second banana on his faltering ship. I, however, am confident there is another "Sarah Palin'" out there who would be happy to capitalize and monetize the opportunity.


Conventiional wisdom suggests that Mitt must choose someone who can help him win the 2012 Presidential race. This means he needs to choose someone who will appeal to voters who don't like Mitt  Romney.  In this case,  that would require a woman,  preferably a Tea Party gal, or a Hispanic.  (Some would suggest Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann, but no serious Republican is going to repeat John McCain's disastrous mistake.) Nikki Haley, freshman governor of South Carolina  or New Mexico Governor Susana Martinez might fit the need, but a more appealing choice might be the young Cuban, Senator Marco Rubio  who may attract some Hispanic votes.


 The third pillar of conventional wisdom suggests the candidate needs to choose a candidate who can help him win a so-called "swing" state.( Some would suggest, once again  freshman senator, Marco Rubio, from Florida, Rob Portman, a freshman senator from Ohio, or Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey.)  Given the above, Rubio appears to be well suited, even though he said he wants to stay in the Senate. Rubio has all three things going for him, Hispanic, from a swing state, and supported by the Tea Party.  (But, quite frankly, does Mitt have to worry about the Tea Party? Who else will they vote for?)


But it is up to Mitt as the candidate to make his first serious decision. Just as when he was running for Governor of Massachusetts, he has chosen Beth Meyer to help him find a winning running mate.


Not an easy job. She has to find someone with the following qualifications:


1. must be able to operate an Etch-a-Sketch while wearing  flip-flops
2. must be able to explain to PETA that driving with your dog tied to the roof is a good thing.
3. must have enough money to throw down a $10K bet on the spur of the moment.
4. must get a rush from firing workers.
5. must own a mansion on both coasts.
6. must have friends who are NASCAR owners.
7. must agree the solution to the immigration problem is "self-deportation."
8. must have a huge income derived from capital gains rather real work.
9. must have zero personality--any sign of personality will show up Mitt's lack thereof.
10. must never talk of Romney's Mormon religion --- that's taboo -- not even Mitt is permitted to talk about that.
11. must try to keep your secret Swiss bank account secret.
12. must own several assault rifles to keep the NRA fringe happy.
13. must have destroyed all your computer records if you were in public service.
14. must appreciate trees of the "right height" -- preferably those in Michigan.
15. must grovel at the feet of the Tea Party.
16. must swear to do all in your power to eliminate public unions for police, teachers,etc.
17. must be opposed to stay-at-home mothers receiving benefits -- staying at home to raise a family is the privilege of the wealthy.
18. must not admit that you inherited your wealth, but pretend you started with nothing.
19. must not find fault with Rush Limbaugh for calling  a Georgetown law student, Sandra Fluke, "a slut."
20. must agree that English is the official language of the realm, .can't be speaking Spanish.


If Beth can find someone who meets these criteria, it will probably be someone with Mitt's genes -- one of his children. And why not have one of his children (provided they meet the age requirement)  as his running mate? I think Mitt would like that; it has the aura of royalty about it. Perfect.