Do I Have a Job for You

The job that pays for doing nothing.

Imagine this part-time job: you fly to work on Tuesday, work on Wednesday, fly home on Thursday. Your travel and airport parking is paid by the employer. You receive a salary of $174, 000 a year. You receive top-of-the-line medical insurance and a pension for life. You have multiple vacations with the result that you usually will work only 125 days a year, i.e. if you consider travel time working. This job (Those so employed prefer to refer to it as a "position" or "office.") also provides many other perks like free mail privileges and large staffs, but let it be known that there are many downsides to the job:

• outside people (sometimes referred to as lobbyists) who give you money and then tell you what to do.
• people back home expect you to care about their problems.
• people who helped you in the past  want you to get them a job with the "Company."
• pesky people (sometimes called the "Press') try to find out what you're actually doing.
• a guy named Grover Norquist will ask you to take an oath.
• the NRA will offer you a ton of money in exchange for your soul.
• banks who are "too big to fail" will offer you all sorts of advise.
• huge corporations will want you to play ball on their softball team.
• religious groups will seek your support for their "freedom" -- shorthand for "exemptions from Separation of Church and State."
• losers who think a a full time job at minimum wage should keep one from living in poverty
• women who want access to contraceptives.
• veterans who have the audacity to think they deserve a break.
• if you seek the "middle ground," your own tribe will devour you.
• if you mention "the common good," you're toast.

But, all in all, this is the perfect part-time job. After all, it's the job that makes John Boehner weep for joy and allows Eric Cantor to tell his Mommy, "I have a chauffeur!" Does it get any better than that? And remember, this is the one job in which you get paid for doing nothing.