A Variant View of US Open at Merion

After Buck and I played golf this morning, we went to Nick's Diner for lunch -- where else? two old coots are not going to venture into a new place that has a "California menu" which means that they manage to include avocados in every offering, be it eggs or sandwiches.  Not that we have anything against California, but Buck and I want to know what we are eating and "Paradise Delight" is not going to do it; we are not going to eat papayas and pomegranates for breakfast or lunch -- that's not what normal people do.

While waiting on the first tee at 8:00 AM, at Ottawa Park Golf Course, I made the mistake of asking Buck what he thought about yesterday's conclusion to the  US Open at Merion Golf Club. "No way," he said. "I'm not discussing that while we're playing. I'm tired of you trying to get into my head and getting me off my game."

"Believe me," I said. "Being in your head is the last place I'd want to be. I'd be horrified  by the echoes as a few simple thoughts rattled around in that empty cavern."

"Nice try," he said. "You and your juvenile jibes are not distracting me from from my game. I am now putting on my game face, and I'll not be distracted."

"Your game face looks exactly like your regular face, except it has the "deer-in-the-headlights" look that Phil Michelson had yesterday."

Needless to say; I had gone too far. On the next eighteen holes, Buck deprived me of my money and what little golf dignity I once possessed.

After we were seated at "our table" and  our waitress, Sara, had taken our orders, I asked. "Now is it okay to discuss the 2013 US Open Golf Tournament or are you having unresolved issues?" (I love to throw that psycho-speak babble at Buck.)

"The only issue I have is getting something to eat. And, now that I think about it, why didn't we go to a tavern where I could also get an adult beverage with my lunch?"

"It's one o'clock," I said. "You can have an 'Arnold Palmer.'"

"That's not a drink. If you doubt me, ask John Boehner."

"Okay,"  I said. "Now I want to hear your opinion of this year's US Open."

"I'm glad you asked," he said. "The US Open is run by a bunch of dweebs who have no connection with the real world. They think they are doing golf a favor by setting up a course in such a way that the world's best golfers cannot break par. What's the point? I can set up a course in my grandfather's pasture field with the same result. It's no big deal to let the rough grow two feet tall. And the greens. It doesn't take a great 'architect' to design washboard greens that are unputtable. And then they place the pins next to a monster sand trap or a water hazard."

"Perhaps," I said. "The USGA is trying to protect history. Maybe they don't want modern players destroying the accomplishments of the old timers."

"But, what they are doing is similar to track-and-field officials lengthening the 100 yard dash by ten yards. It's idiotic. If Bobby Jones needed a one iron to hit his 'iconic' shot and Justin Rose can do the same with a four iron, why not recognize Mr. Rose's achievement or acknowledge the improvement  in golf equipment?"

"Well," I said. "At least the USGA is encouraging golfers to play at a faster pace. That has to be a good thing."

"Right. They run all those commercials to encourage duffers like you and me to play faster, but they have done very little to force the pros to pick up the pace.  If you and I spent as much time as the pros to decide on a shot or a or a putt, our buddies would never play with us."

"True," I said, "but at least NBC moves from player to player so that viewers are always seeing golf."

"Glad you mentioned NBC. They should be banned from televising sports, especially golf. How many times do they have to show us old photos of Bobby Jones' one iron shot? How many times are they going to refer to it as 'iconic'? And, using those damn wicker baskets on  steel poles instead of flags on  flexible pin markers -- what's with that? If that had been such a good idea, every course in the country would have them. Yet NBC has to do a story about them every thirty minutes."

"At least NBC has a knowledgeable commentator in Johnny Miller," I offered.

"And he's another reason NBC should not be permitted to televise the US Open. He may have been an excellent player in his day, but his know-it-all attitude is difficult to take. We don't give a damn how he would have played a shot back in the day. Let us see how Justin, Phil, Rory, or Bubba plays a particular shot. If we want history, we can read a book."

As I drove home from Nick's, I was questioning why I had spent several hours watching the Open. At the time, I thought I was enjoying it, but after listening to Buck, it seemed much less entertaining.