The Concise Advise Column

A staple of American daily newspapers has been and continues to be is the "advise column." I'm not sure the advice they offer is sound, but I do know they provide many readers entertainment. Perhaps we all tend to revel in others' problems, and secretly breathe a sigh of relief, saying "Thank God, my life is not that screwed up." Possibly, the readers are also fans of TV shows like "Dr. Phil." Viewers can find relief in the fact that others have much more serious problems than their own.


In fact, some of us actually enjoy the pain of others, and Germans have a great word for such feelings, schadenfreude. A young woman smiles when she learns that her ex-boyfriend has been fired from his job. A Michigan football fan enjoys the chaos surrounding Urban Meyer at Ohio State. Although we may not be proud of ourselves, we have all secretly partaken in such pleasures.

Whatever the reason, entertainment or schadenfreude, advice columns continue to be popular. Since studies show that many subscribers would rather do without the editorial page than the advice column, the know-it-alls who write the columns will be with us for some time.

I, in fact, would like to be one of the know-it-alls. Although my knowledge is quite limited, my hubris is such that I think I could offer good advice.

For example, my advice for some questions I have seen recently is quite incisive.

Q: Should I tell my boyfriend he has body odor?
A. Hell no. Find another boyfriend.

Q: Why doesn't my son's girlfriend come around?
A. Obviously, he told her that you are a bitch.

Q: My daughter's teacher asked her to spend the night. Should  I allow her?
A. The fact that you had to ask that question tells me your daughter needs a new mother.

Q: My obnoxious brother-in-law wants me to introduce him to my best friend. She deserves better. What should I do?
A. Tell your brother-in-law she is a lesbian with homicidal tendencies.

Q: My male boss annoys me by standing within my personal space. What can I do?
A. Tell him to back off because you're disgusted by his nose hair.

Q: I just learned that my brother-in-law is a rapist. What to do?. 
A: Nominate him for the Supreme Court or a high-level position in the Trump administration.

Q: My mother-in-law has an annoying habit of dropping in at our house unannounced any time of the day or evening. How do I put a stop to this?
A. Always lock the door, and post a sign that reads: "Sex in Progress. Call ahead."

Q: My wife no longer speaks to me. Worried in DeKalb.
A. I wish I knew the reason. Many husbands would pay big to get your secret.

Q: Should I quit my day job to write a book?
A: Not unless you want to starve.

Q: How old is too old to wear a miniskirt?
A: Seven.

Q: Our new neighbor, a single female, is always flirting with my husband. What should I do?
A: Tell her your husband is suffering from a sexually-transmitted disease.

Q: My husband fantasizes about Jennifer Garner.* Does he have a problem?
A: Not at all. He has good taste.

Most advice columnists answer these questions at great length with an abundance of psycho-babble. The best answers are the concise ones. For example, it's quite clear, in fact, way too clear that females, seven years old or older, should not wear miniskirts. End of discussion!

*For the sake of full disclosure I used Jennifer Garner's name so I could include her photo






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