Mueller: Christmas Witch Hunter

The Christmas season is upon us, and it's time to make a list of what to get for the famous and infamous. Even those who seemingly have everything one could possibly want are in need of something. In no particular order, my 2018 list:

World Leaders:
Vladimir Putin, a human soul.
Donald Trump, a year's supply of antipsychotic drugs.
Kim Jong Un, a new barber.

Political types:
Betsy DeVos, Secretary of Education, a case of Smart Water.
Lindsey Graham, Putin sycophant, a set of Russian nesting eggs.
Rudy Guliani, a dictionary with the definition of truth.
Ohio senator, Rob Portman, a spine implant.
Paul Manafort, a "Get Out of Jail" card.
Robert Mueller, a "Witch Hunter" cap.
Donald Trump, a witch's hat.

Newsmakers:
Parkland shooting survivors: sensible gun legislation.
Meghan Markle, peace among the Royals.
Baron Trump, an anchor baby certificate.
Melanie Trump, lessons on how to smile.
Ivanka Trump, a few more Chinese patents.

Athletes:
Hue Jackson, a permanent home (retirement home) in Cincinnati.
Aaron Rodgers, a new Green Bay Packer team.
Phil Mikelson, a new book, "Putting a Moving Ball"
Justify, triple crown winner, a giant vault to hold his stud fees.
Serena Williams, a certificate for an anger management class.

As for the rest of you, refurbished chia pets and a "Merry Christmas."

The Other Woman in the House

There are two women in our house. My dear wife, Sandy, does all the important things, cooking gourmet meals and telling me that the glasses I can't find are pushed up on my forehead.

The other woman is quite petite, and not very shapely. Her name is Alexa, and what she has going for her is she knows a lot of shit.
If you're interested, she can tell you the temperature in Wasilla, Alaska, the home of Sarah Palin. And more importantly, she can tell you that it is impossible to see Russia from Wasilla. And in case you want to know, she can tell you that on December 6, Mars is 97.4 million miles from earth. She can also tell you things you should know but have forgotten  -- there are 16 fluid ounces in a pint.

In addition, Alexa can do things -- turn your TV or lamps on or off. She can wake you up at 6 AM by playing Eva Cassidy or any other music you choose. Since Alexa is an Amazon product, she can buy almost anything you want, and it will be delivered to your door after your credit card takes a hit.

But Alexa can be discretely obtuse. When asked how babies are made, she replies "through the process of reproduction." Duh! Methinks that does not answer the question. Apparently, the AI world of Alexa is not familiar with sex,  Alexa is just like the girl I dated a long time ago. She knows her history, literature, current events, geometry,  physics, chemistry, meteorology,  but not so much about human anatomy.

And in spite of her soothing voice, There are many things Alexa doesn't get. For example, she thinks:
- Trump is the strong suit in a game of euchre.
- Atlantis is located in the Bahamas,
- Bloody Mary is a queen and not a cocktail.
- George Washington is a university and not the first US president, or vice versa.
- an autonomous car is made by a no-name company.
- Donald Trump is 6 foot 3inches tall and weighs 239 lbs. because that's what the White House said.

There are also, many things Alexa can't do:
- make the sun shine on a cloudy day.
- eliminate homelessness, poverty, and greed.
- improve my tennis game.
- stop school massacres.
- repair a leaky faucet.
- re-establish the rule of law in Washington D.C. and state capitals.
- clean my gutters.
- eliminate gerrymandering.
- wash my car.
- make the President take his meds.
- make Brussel sprouts palatable.

In spite of her limitations, I must admit that Alexa is more knowledgeable than I am; and in spite of a rather lack-luster appearance, she is nice to have around. She always answers me, and never gives me the "really?" response.