Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent: 40 days during which certain Christians engage in prayer, penance, almsgiving, atonement, sacrifice, and self-denial. For some it is a period of fasting; for others it is a matter of giving up something -- often luxuries. These days it's popular to give up the social media (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) for Lent; back in my day in the sixties I had a few friends who gave up their virginity, but that probably had nothing to do with Lent. Thanks to my many well-placed sources, I have learned what the rich, the famous, and the infamous are giving up for Lent:
- Vice President Joe Biden is going to give up talking for twenty minutes a day -- probably during his nap.
- President Barack Obama is giving up listening to Joe Biden.
- The Republicans have vowed to continue obstructing anything that might create jobs. (They're not really giving up anything because the concept of giving something up is "socialist crap.")
- Sarah Palin, on the other hand, promised to give up shooting large mammals, including Chris Christie. Not only that, Sarah is going to submit herself to the penance of reading at least one newspaper during Lent -- of course, in Sarah's world "reading a newspaper" means looking at the pictures.
- Speaker John Boehner. You may have thought he would give up cigarettes, wine, or golf. Wrong; he's giving up on trying to rein in the Tea Party. He is going to drink their "Kool-aid," and become a lacrimonious footnote in American history.
- Vladimir Putin is going to attend anger-management and anti-bullying classes together with Chris Christie. They think it's a class on the best techniques of arm-wrestling.
- Former congressman Anthony Weiner is going to give up sexting and promises to take two cold showers a day.
- The Cleveland Browns are giving up any hope of having a winning season.
- The Toledo Blade is going to have one issue a week which does not have a dog story.
- Peyton Manning is giving up the "Omaha, Omaha" call. His new call is: "Seattle, Seattle" which means: here they come, run for your lives.
- The U.S Catholic bishops are giving up Girl Scout cookies. They have a reason for that, but it sounds much like discrimination.
- Ohio governor, John Kasich, is giving up working people's right to vote.
- Creationists and climate-change deniers are giving up the brains they were born with.
- The University of North Carolina is giving up fake classes for athletes. It seems the NCAA and other institutions of higher learning frown upon the practice.
- Ohio Attorney General, Mike DeWine, has given up his "pay-to-play" scheme until Easter, after which it will be back in play.
- "El Chapo" is giving up control of his drug cartel, but after Easter he plans to escape and take over again.
- Republican vice presidential candidate, Paul Ryan, is giving up on all random acts of kindness. Of course, that is not new; he is a devoted disciple of his favorite Russian, Ayn Rand.
- Texas Republican, Rafael "Ted" Cruz, is giving up on shutting down the government. That didn't work very well the last time he tried -- it cost US taxpayers 24-26 billion dollars.
- Fox News is giving up any pretext of being objective and fair.
- American conservatives are going to give up calling Pope Francis a socialist for a day or two.
- Bill Clinton is going to keep the dogs under the porch for forty days.
- Tim Tebow wants to join a Trappist monastery, but the monks are questioning his skill set.
- For Lent, Ted Nugent has totally given up the use of reason.
- Mitt Romney, you remember him, in the spirit of Lent is closing one of his Swiss bank accounts. He is moving the money to the Cayman Islands to be near his other off-shore money.
- Rush Limbaugh on the other hand, refuses to give up his belief that Ohio senator, Sherrod Brown, is black. In fact, he refuses to give up anything because he is the Ubermensch.
- George W. Bush is giving up painting nudes of himself. Laura informed him that such painting was sick. For now at least, he will paint potted plants. You may argue there is no difference, but he maintains the plants have more color.
As for myself, I have been so fortunate that I have so many "things" I could give up and I will gladly give up those "things," but I will fight to death to keep my family and friends.
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