With just a few days left until Christmas, I am having trouble finding gifts for my my dear Republican friends. What can you find for those who have it all? A coupon for a McDonald's Big Mac and large fries is not going to cut it for those who wearing Rolex wrist watches and custom-tailored Armani suits. In years past, in the days when the GOP pretended to be "compassionate conservatives," I was able to make donations to Heifer International, the World Wildlife Fund, or the Cherry Street Mission in their name, but now that economic evolutionism with it's doctrine of survival-of-the-wealthiest has taken over the GOP, I am forced to take a new approach. I certainly do not want to offend their sensitivities, and I definitely do not want to see John Boehner cry one more time. Sorry John, but it does not make for a pleasant picture.
While I am open to your suggestions, this is what I am considering at the present:
Sarah Palin:
I know she likes big guns, but face it - if it kills, she's got it. She loves money, but giving money is so tacky. She would love to have the mounted head of several Democrats and Katie Couric above her fireplace, but that is just not right, no matter how close a friend she is. Therefore, I am giving her an audio book -- Things I Should Have Learned In Junior High.
Rick Perry:
I was thinking I might give him a copy of Ten Easy Steps to Improve Your Memory, but I am afraid he would forget where he left it.. Since he also likes hunting and things that go bang, I am seriously considering buying him a copy of Dick Cheney's Look Before You Shoot. The fifth chapter is particularly helpful, "If You Shoot Someone in the Face, Blame Them for Being in front of Your Gun."
Mitt Romney:
I know what he needs, but how do you give someone a personality? A pair of flip-flops might be appropriate for a man who wears out a pair a week. Although I can't afford it, I know he would like to own another company so he could lay off Americans and outsource their jobs. But, let's admit it, he already has the best gift of all -- Newt Gingrich and a group of opponents who make him look presidential. Since he is a Morman, I can't fall back on an old stand-by - a bottle of single-malt Scotch. I think I will have to resort to the one thing that always works for Republicans -- a renewal of their membership in the National Rifle Association. I'll bet you $10K he will love it.
Michele Bachmann:
Since she has fallen on her backside throughout the Republican presidential nomination process, Michele desperately needs a life-time subscription to FactCheck.org. It is always better to to get the facts right the first time. I know, Michele, using FactCheck may make you uncomfortable, but you will thank me for it in the long run.
Mitch McConnell:
Whether the Senate Minority Leader knows it or not, Mitch needs a copy of The Oath of Office and What It Means. He will be surprised that the Constitution does not say anything about promoting personal or partisan welfare; rather, he will learn that he swore to "promote the general Welfare." I know it's not much of a gift, Mitch, but sometimes we all need a reminder.
John Boehner:
My friend John is easy; although as Speaker of the House he appears to have so much, he needs so much more. He obviously needs a large supply of monogrammed handkerchiefs to wipe his copious tears, but I gave him a dozen last Christmas. (I keep a list so as not to embarrass myself and my friends.) However, I am seriously thinking of a new tanning bed. Since he does not have the deep tan he has had in the past, I am thinking his present tanning bed is malfunctioning. If the tanning thing doesn't work out, I could give him a good $139 bottle of Scotch, but I would prefer to give a gift that lasts more than a few hours.
George W. Bush:
Several years ago I gave him a fancy pair of leather cowboy boots and he loved them. Since I knew I could never do better than that, I haven't tried. Ever since 2006, I phone him a couple of weeks after Christmas and in the course of the conversation, I ask how he likes the cowboy boots I gave him for Christmas. Usually, after a brief pause, he profusely thanks me. In fact, last year he said he loves them because they don't even feel like new, they feel as though they are already broken in.
My other Republican friends who are so fond of the Tea Party, will receive tea sets and previously used tea bags to remind themselves that the Tea Party is simply reusing the rhetoric of the John Birch Society. Remember them? How well did that work for you?
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