Buck Blasts Fireworks

My friend , Buck, decided we should meet on Saturday, the 4th of July, instead of our regular Wednesday breakfast. Very patriotic, I thought. We met at Nick's Diner, and asked Sara to take us to our favorite table -- the one in the back corner, the one Nick chose for us because he didn't want his customers to be distracted by our arguments.

As we took our seats, I wished Buck a Happy Fourth. "What's so happy about it it?' he snapped. It was going to be one of those meals.

"Today, 239 years ago," (I was trying to impress him with my math) "we declared our independence and we are still free. A great day."

"You do know the Declaration of Independence wasn't signed until August 2nd, don't you?" he asked somewhat sarcastically.

"Fine," I said. "What's your problem? Did Michigan fire Jim Harbaugh?  Is Pope Francis too Christian? No wait, I got it. You're upset that the Supreme Court legalized gay/lesbian marriage. That's it, admit it. You were sure your Republicans had stacked the Court."

'Give me a break," he said. "I could care less whether men can legally marry men. Nobody is forcing me to marry a man, so why would I  care? I prefer to marry women and I will continue to do so."

At that point, Sara appeared with our coffee, and Buck said he wanted to ask her an important question. "Would you," he said in a pleading voice, "be my next wife?'

"What? Did you kill your wife?' she asked.

"Just preparing for the future. And reassuring my friend here that I'm never going to marry a man."

"Oh, okay, just fax me your financials, and I'll let you know."

As Sara left, I asked, "Okay, what is your problem?"  

"The damn Fourth of July! That's my problem."

"That's unpatriotic and sacrilegious. I will have to turn you in to Homeland Security. Maybe they can revoke your citizenship."

"I'll tell you what's sacrilegious. It's the damn fireworks and marching bands. Particularly the fireworks. John Adams had many good ideas, but telling Americans to shoot off fireworks on the 4th of July was his worst."

Bewildered, I said, "You are unbelievable. What is wrong  with fireworks? I look forward to seeing a beautiful fireworks display. It's a fine art,  albeit temporary."

"Balderdash. There's nothing fine about it. For one thing it's a big waste of money. I read Americans spent $967 million on fireworks in 2013. What a waste. Imagine how many school lunches we could buy with that money."

"Buck, my friend, it's entertainment -- pure and simple."

"Entertainment that kills and maims people, frequently kids. Also it damages and destroys property. Not to mention the damage it causes for animals and the environment. Many fireworks are manufactured in India and China by children.  The whole thing is insane."

"How altruistic of you."

"No one's ever accused me of being altruistic. It;s not altruism; it's a deep and abiding hatred of fireworks. It should be called what it is -- noise pollution.  The noise frightens children, pets, the autistic, and those suffering from battlefield stress issues. And not the least of which, fireworks deprive me of a good night's sleep because some idiots are shooting them off all night long."

When Sara brought our checks, she looked at Buck and said,  "I get such a bang out of you when you go ballistic."