Buck's Last Confession

The Confessional

At our weekly breakfast this week, my friend, Buck, shared the following monologue: 

Having been raised a Catholic and having been "a practicing Catholic" ever since,  I always went to Confession to be absolved of my many sins. Although it has been a while, I recently felt the need to clear my soul of various tawdry actions which have been hanging over me like a dark cloud.


So last Saturday afternoon, I went  to Confession at St. Isadore's.


When I entered, I said: "Bless me, Father,  for I have sinned. My last Confession has been some time ago. I confess that I went to Walmart and purchased a DVD."


The priest said, " Ahhh,  I understand. The DVD was pornographic?"


"Hell, no. I'm not a pervert! My sin was that I went to Walmart and made a purchase."


"No, my son, that is not a sin."


"But Father, do you know how Walmart treats its workers. Walmart makes money  by depriving them of their just benefits."


"Son, I don't think that violates any of the Ten Commandments "


"But, what did Moses know about modern labor practices?"


"Well, that's not a sin. I myself went to Walmart yesterday and bought some razor blades, at a great price, I might add."


"But Father. What about the Church's teaching of a fair wage for a fair day's work? What about Pope Leo XIII's encyclical? And what about Walmart paying bribes all over Mexico in order to dominate the market?'


"Okay, you are getting crazy here. Do you have anything else to confess? I mean, real sins?"


"Yes. Here's one that really embarrasses me. It may be my biggest sin. I voted for George W. Bush! Not once, but twice! So I guess it is two mortal sins. I am terribly sorry. Lay it on me; I am guilty. What's my penance? Should I climb Mt. Kilimanjaro on my knees? Should I go to Arizona and live in a cave in the desert?"


"No, my Son. That's not a sin. I know several bishops who voted for George W. Bush."


"Okay, so are those bishops going to join me in the desert repenting for their sins?"


"No, you idiot!"


"Excuse me? Are you calling me and those bishops idiots?"


"What? Where did you come from?"


"Nathanville, Ohio, but I'm not sure that is relevant. Most of the people in Nathanville did not commit the sin of voting for George W. Bush."


"Why are you here? Why did I get stuck with you?


"Divine Providence! And you are a real priest, aren't you?"


"Yes, of course, I am a real priest. And you? You are a nut case or one of those California  wackadoodles."


'Please. Stop flattering me. I am a serious sinner hoping to be absolved of my sins, but I'm sensing a bit of disconnect here."


"Dear Mother of God! What did I do to deserve this?"


"Please Father, this is my confession. I am not in a position to comment on your sins -- or absolve you thereof."


"Okay, that's enough. Let's get to your real sins. Did you ever use contraception?"


"Excuse me? I thought you said 'real sins?'"


"Did you ever use a condom?"


"Frequently and I am proud of it."


"So, you really have committed a sin?"


"Yes, I supported Walmart and voted for George W. Bush."


"Jesus Christ! I am sick of perverts like you."


"I didn't know that voting for George W. Bush was a perversion, but if you say so, I am guilty"


"This is unreal!"


"Well, for what it's worth, I never abused young boys and girls. Does that count for something?"


"What are you insinuating?"


"Because I voted for George W. Bush, over 4,000 American soldiers died, many times that number were permanently maimed and perhaps as many as 40,000 Iraqis were killed. For those and all my sins, I am sincerely sorry/"


"Okay, promise me. If I absolve you, you will leave."


"Okay.  It's a deal."


Even days later, Buck is still scratching his head about the condom thing.


(The above is as I remember it, and therefore may not be literally exact. Buck propbably used more colorful language than that I attribute to him.)