Buck's List for Congressman Latta

Our Dysfunctional Congress

"You want to know what is wrong with this country? Do you, really? I'll tell you. Today Republican Senator Marco Rubio (FL.)  proposed an immigration policy that is very similar to the one President Obama proposed. Rather than admitting he agrees with the President, Rubio presents a similar plan as his own. Rubio wants to run as a Republican for President in 2016. and God forbid he admit that he agrees with a Democratic President."

"In the present climate, a GOP candidate for any job from dogcatcher to President is doomed unless he/she is divisive. A Republican cannot be seen as someone who wants to keep the United States united.  Although Rubio may agree with the President on immigration policy, he does not have the political freedom to admit that. And that's what is wrong with this country.  Politics being what it has become, reasonable people do not have the opportunity to work together to serve 'the general welfare' of the country as required by the Constitution."

The above diatribe was that of my friend, Buck, even before we were seated for our weekly Wednesday breakfast.

"Sorry, Buck," I offered. "I didn't know I asked what was wrong with our country."

"Exactly," he said. "That's why we're friends.  I answer your questions before you even ask. My ex-wife had a problem with that, but after all these years, I know you're comfortable with my prescience."

"You call it prescience, I call it bullshit."

""Okay, you may be correct about that, but you have to agree that I have defined the sorry state of our nation's problems."

"Fine. Let's get a table and give Sara our breakfast order," I suggested.

"Of course," Buck said. "With you it's all about feeding your girth. Our country may be going to hell in a hand basket, but you're worried about seeing how many calories you can ingest in the least amount of time."

"We all have our life-defining goals. Right now, a good strong coffee is more important than Marco Rubio's run for the GOP nomination in the next presidential election."

"And you," Buck said as he pointed  a finger in the general direction of my chest. "You. You used to be an educator!  Did you teach your students that breakfast was more important than what was happening in Congress?"

"Don't ever," I said, pointing my finger at his chest, "underestimate the value of a good breakfast.  Who knows how history might have been changed by a good breakfast? What if Julius Caesar had remained at his villa and had a long, leisurely breakfast rather than rushing to the Forum where Brutus et al stabbed him to death?"

"Well, for one thing, William Shakespeare would have had one less tragedy to write about."

Sara had brought us our coffees and was waiting for our orders. Buck ordered the "Boston Breakfast" and suggested that I order the "Julius Caesar Special."

Apparently, Sara was not having a good morning. Walking away she said,  "I have real customers to help. When you decide on an actual menu item, let me know."

"So," Buck said to me, "I guess you're not a real customer. I, on the other hand, ordered an item off the menu, and that makes me real."

"You know, Buck, if I were carrying, I might be tempted to remove your sorry ass from the face of the earth."

"Right, another Clint Eastwood wannabe! It's been so long since you fired a weapon, you would probably hurt yourself more than me."

"Don't forget that eight-point buck I dropped a few years ago. Apparently I'm pretty good at taking out 'Bucks.'"

Sara had returned. "Are you guys ready to order or are you going to waste my time?"

Buck motioned for Sara to come closer as he whispered in her ear for everyone to hear, "You may want to phone Homeland Security. I think this guy is a suicidal terrorist or a crazed psychopath. He just threatened to kill me."

Not missing a beat, Sara leaned into Buck's face and said, "If you guys don't stop jerking me around, I'll kill the both of you and then apply for the Nobel Peace Prize."

Recognizing the  limits, Buck and I both ordered a breakfast off of Nick's menu.

"Back to our illustrious Congress," Buck said. "I suppose you know the citizenry rates the House of Representatives below cockroaches and colonoscopies. Used car salesmen appear to be knights in shining armor compared to these guys and gals in the House."

"I read that some members of Congress had a meeting in  Manhattan to determine why they're held in such low esteem."

"Exactly their problem!  They hold a meeting to figure that out. They could've come here to Nick's Diner, and you and I could have explained it to them in fifteen minutes as we enjoyed our breakfasts."

Buck was spreading his napkin on the table, and I knew he was going to make one of his famous lists.

"This, my friend, is why the country rates Congress as pond scum:

1  The 112th Congress was possibly the least productive in US history.
2. They sabotaged the economy for fear Obama would get credit for the country doing well.
3. Some Republicans in the present Congress want to shut down the government, except for themselves. They have conveniently seen to it that they will continue to get paid during a government shutdown.
4. The Senate still has a "silent filibuster" which allows a single senator to stop a piece of legislation.
5. The House has voted 33 times in the last two years to eliminate health care reform. Although these votes mean nothing, it is estimated that they wasted 88 hours and over $50 million on these useless charades.
6. The House failed to pass a single piece of job creation legislation.
7. The House failed to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act.
8. The House held a hearing on birth control and refused to allow women to testify.
9  The House spent $1.5 million to defend DOMA ("Defense of Marriage Act").
10. Former Republican Congressman, Todd Akin (of "legitimate rape" fame) was on the House Committee of Science.
11. Michele Bachmann is on the House Intelligence Committee.
12. Almost two-thirds of the Republicans in the House voted to deny relief for the victims of Hurricane Sandy."

To bring Buck's lecture to a conclusion, I snatched up the napkin and put it in my pocket. "I'm taking this list with me, and  I'll  send it to my congressman, Bob Latta. Poor Bobby.  He likes corporate welfare, but has problems when it comes to helping hurricane victims."