A Gentleman Departed

A close friend and fellow tennis player, Bill Rathbun, passed away last night, and reflecting on his life and death, I found myself repeatedly defining him as a "gentleman." 

Unfortunately, that term requires some explanation. For some it refers to class, as in "English Gentleman" or "Gentleman Farmer." For others, it refers to a certain suavity  as exemplified by the James Bond character.

Bill Rathbun was neither.

I was then reminded of Cardinal John Henry Newman's description of a "true gentleman." He wrote:

"The true gentleman in like manner carefully avoids whatever may cause ajar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast; -- all clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern being to make every one at their ease and at home.

He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender towards the bashful, gentle towards the distant, and merciful towards the absurd; he can recollect to whom he is speaking; he guards against unseasonable allusions, or topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and never wearisome. He makes light of favours while he does them, and seems to be receiving when he is conferring.

He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never defends himself by a mere retort, he has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets everything for the best.

He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp sayings for arguments, or insinuates evil which he dare not say out. From a long-sighted prudence, he observes the maxim of the ancient sage, that we should ever conduct ourselves towards our enemy as if he were one day to be our friend.

He has too much good sense to be affronted at insults, he is too well employed to remember injuries, and too indolent to bear malice. He is patient, forbearing, and resigned, on philosophical principles; he submits to pain, because it is inevitable, to bereavement, because it is irreparable, and to death, because it is his destiny. If he engages in controversy of any kind, his disciplined intellect preserves him from the blunder. " This indeed describes my friend, Bill. May he rest in peace, the peace he has earned. [The above quotation is taken from "The Idea of a University," 1852.]

Spies, Baseball, & Evolution

Marlin Park Miami

Since rain brought an abrupt end to our golf game, Buck and I decided to go to the Dew Drop Inn and fantasize about all of the birdies we might have had. Fortunately, Charlene, an old friend, was working behind the bar, and our Yuenglings were in our hands before we deposited our significant posteriors on the bar stools.
      "What brings you boys in this early?' she asked.
      "Rain ruined our golf game," I offered.
      "Yeh, as though you jokers actually have a golf game.You boys are better off in here. Who knows? Out on the course, you two old fools might drive your golf cart into the lake and drown yourselves. And quite frankly, I'm tired of going to funerals."
     "I'm not sure I'd invite you to my funeral," Buck said. "I don't like your attitude."
     "Buck, you're an idiot! You don't get to invite guests to your funeral. You're dead and people come if they want to. In your case, a whole group of us will come just to dance on your grave."
      "I love it when you sweet talk me, Charlene."
      " I have an idea,' she said, "why don't you two geezers amuse yourselves, and I'll take care of real customers."


Buck and I silently contemplated the concept of geezerhood as we drank our beers. Charlene was obviously confused if she thought we were geezers.


On our second draught, Buck was on to his favorite topic -- the news. "Did you read about that MI6 spy who was found dead in England? His dead, naked body was found in a suitcase. But that's not the interesting part. The British government thinks he purposefully enclosed himself in the suitcase and asphyxiated himself. Me thinks somebody needs a reality check over there in Scotland Yard."
       "You never know," I said, "strange things happen."
       "Speaking of strange things," he continued. "Did you see that the Miami Marlin  baseball team opened a new baseball stadium in the Little Havana area of  Miami?" Before I could respond, he continued. "This new stadium, called Marlin Park, has a retractable roof, air conditioning, and, well, you will never believe this, a damned swimming pool. A roof, air conditioning, and a swimming pool at a baseball park. What is this world coming to? Who needs a swimming pool at a baseball park? I'll tell you, 'mambiepambies', that's who!"
      "Well, Buck, times are changing."
      "But that's not the worst part; they financed the damned thing with $515 million of public money --that is taxpayers' money, my friend!"
      "Why would taxpayers agree to do that?"
      "Because they told them it would contribute to the 'economic development" of the city. Can you believe it? How many cities across the country fell for that line of bull, only to discover it never replaces the money invested. But once again, another city has fallen for the scam."
      "Well, at least they have air conditioning, but I doubt that Abner Doubleday, even in his wildest dreams, envisioned playing baseball in an air conditioned environment."


Charlene refilled our beer glasses while we ordered a plate  of pickled herring.


      "I suppose you know,"  Buck said, "the Tennessee State Senate passed a bill which allows 'Creationism' to be taught in public schools."
      "Okay, Buck. I think you've had too many Yuenglings. Clarence Darrow fought that battle in Dayton, Tennessee,  years ago."
      "Well, my friend, you're right, but these assholes don't go away. They just keep coming back like syphilis. The thing is, they've changed the name to 'Intelligent Design.' Although the whole scientific world knows the significance of evolution, these people are going to pretend that creationism is a possibility. Hello?   Creationism is based on a religious Middle Eastern story which was never meant to be taken literally, but the Radical Religious Republicans choose to believe it and ignore all the scientific evidence for evolution."
     "Well, they have the right to believe whatever they want. Freedom of Religion, you know."
     "That's exactly the problem. They're trying to foster religion in public schools! I don't begrudge them the right to believe whatever the hell they want. They can believe the Rapture is going to take place on December 13, 2012, but they do not have the right to be teaching that in public schools. Our Founding Fathers knew damn well that mixing religion and government was a recipe for disaster, but religious radicals keep trying to change this country into a theocracy like Iran."
     "So Freedom of Religion involves Freedom from Religion?"
     "You're damn right. Keep religion out of public schools! Those schools are paid for by Hindus, Deists, Agnostics, Atheists and a whole truckload of other ....ists. Why do Christians think it's all about them and their religion?"


      At this point Charlene offered to refill out drinks, but Buck asked, "Charlene, do you believe in creationism?"
      "Of course, I do," she said. "I believe God created us all equal, but then, some people,like the two of you, find out  you can't play golf  and, after a few Yuenglings, want to solve the world's problems instead of learning how to putt."
      We then asked for our check.

20 Books Not To Read

Although I have the nasty habit of recommending books to my friends,  former friends, and just about anyone who will listen, I have compiled a list of books I do not recommend to anyone. In fact I would not wish these books on my many enemies.


The books in this list are in no particular order because they are equally devoid of merit.


1. Principles of Ethical Journalism by Rupert Murdoch
2. Pollution Solutions by the Koch Bros.
3. Proper Etiquette When Addressing a Co-ed by Rush Limbaugh
4. Etch-a-Sketch Made Simple by Mitt Romney
5. The Art of Silence by Joe Biden
6. Pedophile Prevention by Cardinal Bernard Law
7. Firearm Safety by Dick Cheney
8. Recipes For Dog Meat by Barack Obama
9. Geography Made Simple by Sarah Palin
10.How to Choose a Vice Presidential Running-mate by John McCain


Although I am told the Catholic Church no longer issues an Index of Forbidden Books, I am issuing my own Index and any books listed anywhere on this page should be burned in a conflagration of which Savonarola would have been proud. 


11. Effective Contraceptive Techniques by Rick Santorum
12. Hair Styling by Donald Trump
13. Techniques for Transporting Canines by Mitt Romney
14. Principles of a Just War by George W. Bush
15. Principles of Democracy by Czar Vladimir Putin
16. Women's Health Care by Archbishop Timothy Nolan of New York
17. Immigration Solution: Self-Deportation  by Mitt Romney
18. How to Save the American Auto Industry by Mitt Romney
19. Marital Fidelity by Newt Gingrich
20. Feeding the Hungry of the World by Ron Paul


My ancestors would not be proud that I am "banning books," but these titles speak for themselves and beg to be banned, burned, or otherwise destroyed.

Buck's Last Confession

The Confessional

At our weekly breakfast this week, my friend, Buck, shared the following monologue: 

Having been raised a Catholic and having been "a practicing Catholic" ever since,  I always went to Confession to be absolved of my many sins. Although it has been a while, I recently felt the need to clear my soul of various tawdry actions which have been hanging over me like a dark cloud.


So last Saturday afternoon, I went  to Confession at St. Isadore's.


When I entered, I said: "Bless me, Father,  for I have sinned. My last Confession has been some time ago. I confess that I went to Walmart and purchased a DVD."


The priest said, " Ahhh,  I understand. The DVD was pornographic?"


"Hell, no. I'm not a pervert! My sin was that I went to Walmart and made a purchase."


"No, my son, that is not a sin."


"But Father, do you know how Walmart treats its workers. Walmart makes money  by depriving them of their just benefits."


"Son, I don't think that violates any of the Ten Commandments "


"But, what did Moses know about modern labor practices?"


"Well, that's not a sin. I myself went to Walmart yesterday and bought some razor blades, at a great price, I might add."


"But Father. What about the Church's teaching of a fair wage for a fair day's work? What about Pope Leo XIII's encyclical? And what about Walmart paying bribes all over Mexico in order to dominate the market?'


"Okay, you are getting crazy here. Do you have anything else to confess? I mean, real sins?"


"Yes. Here's one that really embarrasses me. It may be my biggest sin. I voted for George W. Bush! Not once, but twice! So I guess it is two mortal sins. I am terribly sorry. Lay it on me; I am guilty. What's my penance? Should I climb Mt. Kilimanjaro on my knees? Should I go to Arizona and live in a cave in the desert?"


"No, my Son. That's not a sin. I know several bishops who voted for George W. Bush."


"Okay, so are those bishops going to join me in the desert repenting for their sins?"


"No, you idiot!"


"Excuse me? Are you calling me and those bishops idiots?"


"What? Where did you come from?"


"Nathanville, Ohio, but I'm not sure that is relevant. Most of the people in Nathanville did not commit the sin of voting for George W. Bush."


"Why are you here? Why did I get stuck with you?


"Divine Providence! And you are a real priest, aren't you?"


"Yes, of course, I am a real priest. And you? You are a nut case or one of those California  wackadoodles."


'Please. Stop flattering me. I am a serious sinner hoping to be absolved of my sins, but I'm sensing a bit of disconnect here."


"Dear Mother of God! What did I do to deserve this?"


"Please Father, this is my confession. I am not in a position to comment on your sins -- or absolve you thereof."


"Okay, that's enough. Let's get to your real sins. Did you ever use contraception?"


"Excuse me? I thought you said 'real sins?'"


"Did you ever use a condom?"


"Frequently and I am proud of it."


"So, you really have committed a sin?"


"Yes, I supported Walmart and voted for George W. Bush."


"Jesus Christ! I am sick of perverts like you."


"I didn't know that voting for George W. Bush was a perversion, but if you say so, I am guilty"


"This is unreal!"


"Well, for what it's worth, I never abused young boys and girls. Does that count for something?"


"What are you insinuating?"


"Because I voted for George W. Bush, over 4,000 American soldiers died, many times that number were permanently maimed and perhaps as many as 40,000 Iraqis were killed. For those and all my sins, I am sincerely sorry/"


"Okay, promise me. If I absolve you, you will leave."


"Okay.  It's a deal."


Even days later, Buck is still scratching his head about the condom thing.


(The above is as I remember it, and therefore may not be literally exact. Buck propbably used more colorful language than that I attribute to him.)