Not All Sports are Real Sports

With the Roger Clemens' perjury trial nearing its end, sports fans are now learning that the  multiple Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, is being accused of "doping" by some reliable sources and former team mates.

The use of performance-enhancing drugs in athletic competition leaves many of us feeling cheated and wondering, to what degree are cycling and baseball real sports? Since as fans  we cannot distinguish between real athletic ability and chemical-induced performance, perhaps these two sports belong in a different category --Tainted Sports -- and listed at the back of the sports' pages.

On the other hand, performance-enhancing drugs are not the only problem fans have to consider. The apparently incorrect scoring of the Pacquao-Bradley boxing match in Las Vegas presents another category of questionable sports -- Subjectively-Scored Sports. There is no doubt that boxing is a challenging athletic competition, but the subjective scoring decisions of a few referees render  the outcome suspect. Whether it is diving, figure skating, gymnastics, or water ballet, Subjectively-Scored Sports deserve a place at the end of the Sports Pages near the Tainted Sports.  It is difficult for sports' fans to recognize a Russian figure skater as World Champion as a result of a suspicious score from French judge.

And then there is the whole category of  "Motor Sports" -- a strange amalgamation of drivers, engineers, mechanics, and machines. If the machine's performance is so vital to the outcome, perhaps it's not a true athletic competition or event. We need another category  at the end of the Sports Pages -- Mechanized Sports.

Having eliminated the above categories, fans are left with appears to be Real Sports -- athletic competition with the result being determined primarily by the physical skill of the participants. And finally there activities that cannot be justified as sports -- Not Sports Category.

Given these categories, the Sports Page might look like this:

Real Sports:
Archery
Badminton
Basketball (with drug-testing guidelines)
Billiards
Bocce
Bowling
Cow Pie Hurling
Cricket
Dog Sled Racing
Skiing (when elapsed time determines the winner)
Field Hockey
Football (with drug testing guidelines)
Golf (walking, of course)
Ice Hockey
Lacrosse
Ping Pong
Long-distance Running
Racquetball
Rugby
Soccer (ignoring some subjective officiating)
Tennis (with drug-testing guidelines)
Volleyball

Tainted Sports:
Baseball
Cycling
Horse Racing
Softball
Swimming
Track and Field
Weight Lifting

Subjectively-Scored Sports:
Boxing
Diving
Figure skating
Gymnastics
Juggling
Martial Arts
Snow-boarding
Wrestling ??

Mechanized Sports:
All Motor Sports
Most wheel chair-assisted sports
Golf in a motorized cart ??
Quidditch (those flying broomsticks are not energy efficient)

Outdoor Sports:
Canoeing/Kayaking
Catfish Noodling (Google it)
Fishing
Hunting
Hiking
Jogging
Sky Diving

Not Sports:
Bar Hopping
Body Building
Beer Bonging
Corn Hole (can't use those two words together in a newspaper)
Hot Dog Eating Contests
Rock-Paper-Scissors
Swim Suit Contests
Texas-Hold-Em Poker
Watching Women's Beach Volleyball

I always thought I was a sports fan, but considering the above categories,  I find I excel at the "Not Sports," (with the proviso that my "Body Building" is all about bulking up in all the wrong places).

Gang of Five Rips "Dem" from Democracy

Last week my friend, Buck, had a vision which he wanted to share with me at our weekly breakfast. We met at Nick's Diner on Bancroft Street at 9 AM, and he shared the details of his  "vision." As I enjoyed my Boston Breakfast, Buck provided the following soliloquy:

Nobody else knows this, but I want you , my friend, to be the first to know. Last night after Scott Walker survived a recall vote in Wisconsin, Chief Justice John Roberts held a conference call with the four other members of his "Gang of Five."


Speaking of Walker's victory, Robert said to the others, "Now that's what I'm talking about! Tonight's results are the reason we became activists and passed  Citizens United, Those with the money prevailed. This is the new version of democracy. Thanks to our work, the wealthy can now manipulate democracy. We're not like Vladimir Putin who manages democracy with the use of KGB tactics. With our five votes on the Supreme Court we have provided the extremely wealthy with the power to control the country."


"Right on," exclaimed Clarence Thomas. "That's why they spent all that capital to get us on the Court. And it's only just that we, in return,  give them what they want."


"Wait a minute there, Clarence," interjected Justice Alito. "We can't let the public think we made that decision based on politics. In our confirmation hearings we suggested we were going to be fair and impartial 'umpires,'  just calling balls and strikes as we saw them, but not writing the rules as to the definition of a ball and strike. Now of course, in Citizens United we did rewrite the rules, but we cannot admit that or the political motivation of the decision."


"And in all due deference to your outspoken honesty, Judge Thomas, it is best that you continue to refrain from speaking in court hearings, if you know what I mean?"


"Don't take that in the wrong way Clarence," Roberts said. "We appreciate the ties you and Justice Scalia have with  conservative Republican organizations. That is very helpful to the cause; it's just that we want to maintain the facade of impartiality as long as we can."


"Screw impartiality" Justice Scalia shouted. "God has given us this opportunity  to manipulate democracy to fit His vision for the United States. We know the framers of the Constitution wanted to seperate Church and State, but this is our opportunity to redefine democracy. This is our hour. Carpe diem. Who knows what will happen if we get more women and liberals on the Court. God forbid! It is in our hands to redefine democracy and although we made a good start with Citizens United, there is much more we can do. For starters, we have to shoot down Obamacare."


"Wait a minute,"  Justice Kennedy said. " You guys are suggesting replacing democracy with plutocracy. I am confident that the Founding Fathers would not have agreed with you.  Secondly, and with all due respect, I  must ask what our role is as Supreme Court Justices. When we took the oath of office, we swore to uphold the Constitution of the United States which requires us ' to promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.' I repeat, it says the 'general Welfare,' not 'the Welfare of the wealthy.' As for promoting partisan politics, that is the very thing the Supreme Court was to avoid, and is contrary to our oath of office."


"Yada, Yada," interjected Justice Thomas. "Save your pious postering for the press. I was placed on this court by people who had expectations and being the grateful soul that I am, I will accommodate their  agenda."


"Clarence, you a man of few words," Justice Scalia said, " but you get to the heart of the matter."


"Wait a minute, guys," Justice Roberts said. "I am the Chief Justice and I do not want to be remembered as the 'umpire who was a fan of the winning team'."


"Fine John," said Alito. "You can use all your pious platitudes to make it sound as if you're impartial, but the people who gave you your job-for-life have expectations. Find a way to have it both ways, but make sure the GOP agenda prevails."


By this point, I had finished my Boston Breakfast, but Buck's Country Skillet was barely touched. He called the waitress over and asked her to take it away. When she asked what was wrong with it, he said the Country Skillet was fine, but the country itself is doomed. When she started to suggest an alternative, I motioned her away and asked for both checks. Perhaps Buck was still hungry, but I was satisfied.

Graduation Wishes Remain the Same

As our neighbors' daughter, Drew, graduated from Ottawa Hills High School, my thoughts returned to the day my daughter, Bridgette, graduated from Notre Dame Academy, and I recalled what I had written on that occasion. Back then, blogs were unheard of, but today in 2012, on Drew's graduation,  I can share the same thoughts I had on Bridgette's.


It is a wish of mine
      on this graduation day

That you may continue the search,
      knowing the prize is often elusive..
That you may continue the struggle,
      knowing victories are often hollow.
That you may achieve peace,
      knowing it is temporary.
That you may build love,
      knowing it will need constant attention.
That you may climb the mountain,
     knowing you must descend.
That you may build an Eiffel Tower,
      knowing it will rust.
That you may write poetry,
      knowing it will be misunderstood.
That you may soar into space,
      knowing the danger of re-entry.
That you may give birth,
     knowing it is the beginning of death.
That you may design a cathedral,
      knowing another is designing a bomb.
That you may embrace life,
      knowing that it too will pass.

And, it is also a wish of mine:
      that you will laugh more
              than you cry
      that you will win more
              than you lose
      that you will create  more
             than you destroy
      that you will pray more
              than you curse
      that you will hope more
              than you despair
      that you will love more 
              than you hate.

And, if I may have one last wish,
      may it be this:
      that you always hold your head as high
      as it is on this commencement day.

Say It With A Song: Top 40

Sometimes a good song title captures the spirit, and sometimes a bad song title speaks the truth. Since I was unable to think of any good titles, I am sharing "The Top Forty" bad song titles. Perhaps some actually speak the truth.

The titles appear in no particular order; for how can one impose order on the ridiculous?

Purposeful Ignorance by the Creationists
Send in the Clowns by  the Tea Party
Nothing Pays Like Lobbying Congress by The K Street Boys
Have to Love the GOP, They Let us Write our Own Regs by The Exxon Frackers
I Love Firing the Maid by Mitt Romney and the Job Killers
Elected Offices Available to the Highest Bidders by the John Roberts Quintet
It's Good to be Filthy Rich by Mitt Romney and the One Percent
You Betcha, We  Love Guns and Money by Sarah Palin and Clan
I Can't Dump Trump by Mitt Romney and the Desperados
Frack, Baby, Frack! by John Kasich and the Lemmings


Males Were Made to Rule by Benedict's Bishops
The Audacity of Obstructionists by Barack Obama
Show Me the Way Home by George W. Bush and the Neocons
Keep 'em From Voting by Rick Scott and the Exclusionists
Can't Stop Loving You Evangelicals, You're So Easy by Karl Rove and the Panderers
Who Told the Nuns They Have God-given Rights?  by The Hierarchicals
Damn the Butler! He Revealed our Financial Shenanigans by the Vatican Bankers
We Were Just Kidding About Wanting Your "Tired and Poor"  by  The Mitch McConnell Quartet
Ohio is For Sale to the Highest Bidder or Best-Connected by Kasich and the Kochs
What Happened to Abe, Teddy, and Ike? by the Real Republicans

Another Day, Closed Another Factory by Mitt and the Bain Boys
Mamie, Please Tell Me I Didn't Choose Nixon by Dwight Eisenhower
Doesn't Everyone Have a Car Elevator in their Garage? by Richie Romney
Please Don't Make Me Cry Again,  About Nothing! by Speaker John Boehner
It's All About Rhythm  by  Cardinal Nolan and the Rhythmettes
If It's Not White, It's Not Right by the Tea Party and Skinhead Alliance
Women's Role in Life is to Reproduce by Rick Santorum and The Otherwise Confused
Global warming Is a Myth by The Science Deniers
Money is Democracy by the Roberts' Supreme Court Faction
The Holy Spirit Never Showed Up at Vatican II  by the Catholic Revisionists

We Need That Damn Berlin Wall in Arizona by Governor Jan Brewer
God Helps the Priveleged by the Stinking Wealthy
Where's My Etch-a Sketch? I Have to Change My Position Again." by Mitt and the Flip-Floppers
Science Sucks! by the Flat Earth Society
Damn, I Thought Democracy Was Free by the No-Taxers
Mommy, May I have Some More Pink Slime? by the Beef Boys
My Ancestors Worked Hard for My Money by The Inherited
What Did He Expect Wearing a Hoodie? by the Vigilantes
Who's Afraid of a Little Flammable Drinking Water? by the Koch Bros.
We're All For Women Suffrage, If They Suffer In Silence by Catholic Bishops

This list is far from complete. If you would like to add a title, please do so in the "comments."