Not All Sports are Real Sports

With the Roger Clemens' perjury trial nearing its end, sports fans are now learning that the  multiple Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, is being accused of "doping" by some reliable sources and former team mates.

The use of performance-enhancing drugs in athletic competition leaves many of us feeling cheated and wondering, to what degree are cycling and baseball real sports? Since as fans  we cannot distinguish between real athletic ability and chemical-induced performance, perhaps these two sports belong in a different category --Tainted Sports -- and listed at the back of the sports' pages.

On the other hand, performance-enhancing drugs are not the only problem fans have to consider. The apparently incorrect scoring of the Pacquao-Bradley boxing match in Las Vegas presents another category of questionable sports -- Subjectively-Scored Sports. There is no doubt that boxing is a challenging athletic competition, but the subjective scoring decisions of a few referees render  the outcome suspect. Whether it is diving, figure skating, gymnastics, or water ballet, Subjectively-Scored Sports deserve a place at the end of the Sports Pages near the Tainted Sports.  It is difficult for sports' fans to recognize a Russian figure skater as World Champion as a result of a suspicious score from French judge.

And then there is the whole category of  "Motor Sports" -- a strange amalgamation of drivers, engineers, mechanics, and machines. If the machine's performance is so vital to the outcome, perhaps it's not a true athletic competition or event. We need another category  at the end of the Sports Pages -- Mechanized Sports.

Having eliminated the above categories, fans are left with appears to be Real Sports -- athletic competition with the result being determined primarily by the physical skill of the participants. And finally there activities that cannot be justified as sports -- Not Sports Category.

Given these categories, the Sports Page might look like this:

Real Sports:
Archery
Badminton
Basketball (with drug-testing guidelines)
Billiards
Bocce
Bowling
Cow Pie Hurling
Cricket
Dog Sled Racing
Skiing (when elapsed time determines the winner)
Field Hockey
Football (with drug testing guidelines)
Golf (walking, of course)
Ice Hockey
Lacrosse
Ping Pong
Long-distance Running
Racquetball
Rugby
Soccer (ignoring some subjective officiating)
Tennis (with drug-testing guidelines)
Volleyball

Tainted Sports:
Baseball
Cycling
Horse Racing
Softball
Swimming
Track and Field
Weight Lifting

Subjectively-Scored Sports:
Boxing
Diving
Figure skating
Gymnastics
Juggling
Martial Arts
Snow-boarding
Wrestling ??

Mechanized Sports:
All Motor Sports
Most wheel chair-assisted sports
Golf in a motorized cart ??
Quidditch (those flying broomsticks are not energy efficient)

Outdoor Sports:
Canoeing/Kayaking
Catfish Noodling (Google it)
Fishing
Hunting
Hiking
Jogging
Sky Diving

Not Sports:
Bar Hopping
Body Building
Beer Bonging
Corn Hole (can't use those two words together in a newspaper)
Hot Dog Eating Contests
Rock-Paper-Scissors
Swim Suit Contests
Texas-Hold-Em Poker
Watching Women's Beach Volleyball

I always thought I was a sports fan, but considering the above categories,  I find I excel at the "Not Sports," (with the proviso that my "Body Building" is all about bulking up in all the wrong places).