Buck's List of Wackos

Rich Lott In Nazi Uniform

My weekly breakfast with Buck was not about the up-coming college football season as I had expected. He began talking about politics before Sara was able to seat us. Although I tried to steer the conversation to gun control, he once again shrugged the topic aside. "  Will you give up on gun control. It's a a dead issue, no pun intended.  The NRA has frightened  the politicians away. Neither party has the guts to to point out that the only purpose for an assault rifles with huge magazines is to kill human beings, and I mean kill as many humans as possible and  as quickly as possible."

After we had placed our orders, Buck continued, "You just don't get it do you? Politicians are no longer leaders with visions for the future, Those days are history. Today most politicians fall into two camps, they are either grovelers who are in the pocket of Big Money or they are wackos."

"Okay," I said. " I'm glad you didn't say 'all politicians,' but I agree, especially after the Citizens United  decision,  many politicians  are for sale to the highest bidder. But what's with 'wackos'? What's that all about?"

"Oh, my God! Sometimes I wonder why we're friends. You're telling me you don't know the wackos? You must have been living under Rick Perry's "niggerhead" rock in Texas. And while we're on the topic, he is a wacko. He's the guy who thinks you have to be 21 years old to vote, and he thinks it might be a good idea for Texas to secede from the Union. Now, he's a wacko!"

"I'm not going to argue that one," I answered. "but that's Texas' problem. And after all, he was George W. Bush's protege, what else do you expect?"

"Since you and I belong to the Beer Party, you probably haven't noticed that the Republican Party has been taken over by the Tea Party, but you must have noticed that Mitt Romney has had to change his position on 25 to 30 major issues in order to get the Republican nomination. All because the GOP sold out to the Tea Party."

"So, you're telling me the Tea Party is the source of the 'wackos'?" I asked.

"You, betcha, as Sarah Palin would say. In fact," Buck took a a napkin and began writing, "I'll make you a list of the Tea Bag Wackos and you'll see my point."

I signaled to Sara that we needed more coffee, This was going to take some time.

Buck began writing and talking;

1. Todd Akin, running for the US Senate. You know, the guy who believes in "legitimate rape." He thinks a woman's egg will not bond with a rapist's sperm. The GOP appointed him to the Science Committee in the House of Representatives. So much for science.

2. "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacker, made famous by John McCain, is running for Congress. His solution to the immigration problem is to build a wall between the US and Mexico and "start shooting."  That's sad. He gives real plumbers a bad rap.

3. Christine O'Donnell, She was a Tea Party candidate for the Senate in Delaware and lost. She was the one who "dabbled in witchcraft" and thought that school shootings were a result of the ban on school prayer. Not to mention that she was dedicated to the elimination of masturbation.

4. Michele Bachmann. She was actually elected to the US House. A philosophical descendant of Joe McCarthy, she suspects that Muslim Americans are naturally a threat to the security of the United States. But that's not surprising. She's the historian who informed us that the Founding Fathers abolished slavery.

5. John Kasich, the esteemed Governor of Ohio. Ignoring the fact that he delivered the worst "State of the State" speech in the history of  Ohio, he has informed us: "I don't read newspapers in the state of Ohio. Very rarely do I read a newspaper." We could have guessed that, John.

6. Rich Iott. Fortunately this Tea Party darling was not elected. His claim to fame is that he liked to pose for pictures in a Nazi uniform. It's still not clear whether he understood the voters' problem with that.

7. Congressman, Kevin Yoder, a Republican from Kansas.  While on a junket to Isreal with 21 Republican congressmen, he sheds his clothes and goes skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee. Although in the past he was stopped for speeding and refused a breath test, he assures us alcohol was not a factor. On the other hand, his companions jumped in with their clothes on. Not sure that they're the sharpest knives in the drawer.

8. Josh Mandel, a superpac-financed Republican candidate running against Senator Sherrod Brown He traveled with Romney to southeastern Ohio and insulted coal miners by giving a speech in a fake southern accent. Although he didn't  fool the coal miners, he did fool Mitt Romney who didn't realize Josh was from the Cleveland area. But that's not the first time Mitt's been confused. He thought he saw his father, George, march with Martin Luther King.

9 Herman Cain, pizza CEO, who ran for president in the 2012 Republican primaries. Among his insane quotes was my favorite: " I am the Koch brothers' brother from another mother."

10. And we can't forget Rick Santorum, a Pennsylvania Senator who also sought the Republican presidential nomination. Ricky, obsessed with other people's sex lives, wants to make the use of contraception a crime.  He then tried to convince us: "There are no Palestinians." He also agrued that the Crusades  and "the fight against Islam" was not aggression on the part of Christians. But suffice it to say, Santorum  revealed his lack of contact with reality when he said: "Bush policies worked." In what alternative dimension? I ask.

At this point I beckoned Sara to bring us more napkins so Buck could finish his list.

Buck waved her off ."No, no. we don't need anymore. If I continued this list we'd be here all day. My friend gets the point, even though I haven't mentioned Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Rick Scott, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Sharon Angle, Joe Wilson, and the list could go on and on."

Sara and I breathed a sigh of relief.


Other "Breakfast with Buck" episodes:
Buck Explains Chick-fil-A Effect
Mitt Frightens Buck

Or check out Andy Borowitz:
http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2012/08/an-apology-from-todd-akin.html

Or NYT blogl:

The Crackpot Caucus