Hospital Safety Ratings

Fortunately, to date at least, I have not had the questionable experience of spending much time in a hospital bed, but I realize such visits will be a part of my life in the future. That being the case,  I was very interested in the article, "How safe is your hospital?" in the latest issue of Consumer Reports (August, 2012).


Hospitals were given an over-all safety score with individual ratings in four categories: Infections, Readmissions  (within 30 days of intitial discharge), Communication (staff explains new medications and discharge planning), Scanning ( CT scans that are ordered twice for the same patient, increasing exposure to harmful radiation). In addition CR considered a set of eight adverse events, " including bedsores, collapsed lungs, central-line-associated bloodstream infections, and accidental punctures or cuts during surgery, as well as four post-surgical complications, hip factures, blood clots in the lungs or legs, and the reopening of wounds."


 I have had several friends whose lives were seriously impacted by infections they received in hospitals, and I was particularly interested in that category since the primary cause of those unnecessary infections is carelessness on the part of the the hospital personnel.


All of that being said, This is a list of how the Hospitals in the Toledo area were rated:


Hospital                                 Safety Score           Infections    Readmissions         Communications      Scans
(scale: 1=best, 2= above average, 3= average, 4=below average, 5=worst)  


Flower Hospital             65                      2                 3                   3                           1 
Toledo Hospital             64                      1                 3                   2                           1
Blanchard Valley           63                      1                 3                   4                           2
St. Rita's (Lima)             61                     1                 3                   4                           2
Mercy Tiffin                    58                      1                 3                   3                           4
Mercy/St. Vincent          58                      2                 4                   4                           1
Mercy/St. Anne              56                      5                 3                   3                           1
Van Wert County           56                      1                 3                   3                           4
Lima Memorial              54                      3                 4                   4                           1
St. Luke's Maumee       54                      1                 4                   5                           2
Bay Park (Oregon)        53                      3                 4                   4                           1
Bryan Community          48                      4                 3                   4                           1
Mercy/St. Charles          48                      3                 4                   5                           1
Wood County (BG)        46                      4                 4                   4                           2 
Fremont Memorial         41                      3                 3                   3                           5
UT Med. Center             28                      5                 4                    5                          3 


I found it somewhat shocking that the University of Toledo Medical Center, a teaching and training facility, was at the very bottom of all the Ohio Hospitals listed. I would have expected University Medical Schools to be the leaders in patient safety. Obviously I was seriously mistaken.


I went back through the list and searched for other University Hospitals, and was surprised at what I found:

University Hospitals Geauga Regional Hospital (Chardon)   48
University Hospital Cincinnati                                                    42
University Hospitals Case Medical Center                              41


On the other hand, Ohio State University Medical Center (Columbus) fared better with a rating of 55 -- near the middle of the Ohio group. Also, the OSU Med Center was the only University Hospital to have a better than average infection score.


Someone needs to explain why University hospitals are ranked so low.

(If you were curious about Cleveland Clinic, it was near the bottom with a safety rating of 39. If interested in other Ohio Hospitals  or those of other states, please consult the August, 2012, Consumer Reports article.)


                             
                        

Bishops and the "Catholic Exemption"

The Catholic bishops of the U.S are waging a political campaign under the guise of a perceived threat to religious liberty. In addition to the question of the appropriateness of a religion running and funding a campaign with an obvious anti-Obama overtone, there are other serious issues with such a campaign.


The most obvious issue is that the bishops are raising the specter of a big bad government taking away their religious liberty when in fact they are insisting that they are entitled to a "Catholic exemption." Since they insist on maintaining that contraception is immoral, they do not want to provide reproductive health care benefits to their employees, Catholic or non-Catholic. But rather than deal with the issue of contraception, they are trying to frame it as one of religious liberty.


Why do they avoid the issue of contraception? Probably because they have yet to provide a rational defense of their position. They wish to be "exempt" from the rules because they "BELIEVE" contraception is immoral. These are the same people who, before Vatican II, "believed" it was a sin to eat meat on Fridays. At one point the Catholic hierarchy tried to defend their anti-contraception position by appealing to something called, "Natural Law." Unfortunately for them, one has to take it "on  faith" that a natural moral law such as they describe exists. Therefore, they are arguing that they are opposed to contraception based on a belief which is based on another belief. Granted the bishops are entitled to believe whatever they want, but if they want to dictate their beliefs on the rest of us, they will need a rational explanation. Lacking that, it is no wonder they are trying to restate this as a religious liberty question. As they also seem to have forgotten, Vatican II exhorted Catholics to follow our own consciences.


And then there is the issue of a "Catholic Exemption." They want Catholic institutions, even though they receive public funds, to be exempt from providing reproductive health care as required by the law. The exemption would be based on their definition of Catholic belief. Why just a "Catholic Exemption?" What about a "Muslim Exemption," a "Mormon Exemption,"  a  "Scientology Exemption," or a "Jewish Exemption?" All of these exemptions would be based on what these groups claim to believe. They would not have to offer rational defenses of their beliefs, they would simply have to say they believed this, that and the other. Perhaps the survivalists could form a religion which believes taxes are immoral. A"Survivalist Exemption?"  


Unfortunately we know that all kinds of human behavior has been justified in the name of religion. Wife abuse, polygamy, female circumcision, honor killings and self-mutilation. Society cannot be making "exemptions from the rule of law" because some religious group simply says that this is what they believe.


Perhaps the Catholic bishops will sometime in the future decide that eating meat on Fridays is once again sinful (and considering the current hierarchy's desire to ignore Vatican II, that's not totally beyond what is likely) and therefore public school lunch programs should not be allowed to serve meat on Fridays.


The bishops should return to the Gospels and refrain from playing power politics. Of course, if they did that, they may have to confront the idea of separation of Church and State; for as Jesus said to the Pharisees and Hypocrites: "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's." (Matthew 22) 

Not All Sports are Real Sports

With the Roger Clemens' perjury trial nearing its end, sports fans are now learning that the  multiple Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, is being accused of "doping" by some reliable sources and former team mates.

The use of performance-enhancing drugs in athletic competition leaves many of us feeling cheated and wondering, to what degree are cycling and baseball real sports? Since as fans  we cannot distinguish between real athletic ability and chemical-induced performance, perhaps these two sports belong in a different category --Tainted Sports -- and listed at the back of the sports' pages.

On the other hand, performance-enhancing drugs are not the only problem fans have to consider. The apparently incorrect scoring of the Pacquao-Bradley boxing match in Las Vegas presents another category of questionable sports -- Subjectively-Scored Sports. There is no doubt that boxing is a challenging athletic competition, but the subjective scoring decisions of a few referees render  the outcome suspect. Whether it is diving, figure skating, gymnastics, or water ballet, Subjectively-Scored Sports deserve a place at the end of the Sports Pages near the Tainted Sports.  It is difficult for sports' fans to recognize a Russian figure skater as World Champion as a result of a suspicious score from French judge.

And then there is the whole category of  "Motor Sports" -- a strange amalgamation of drivers, engineers, mechanics, and machines. If the machine's performance is so vital to the outcome, perhaps it's not a true athletic competition or event. We need another category  at the end of the Sports Pages -- Mechanized Sports.

Having eliminated the above categories, fans are left with appears to be Real Sports -- athletic competition with the result being determined primarily by the physical skill of the participants. And finally there activities that cannot be justified as sports -- Not Sports Category.

Given these categories, the Sports Page might look like this:

Real Sports:
Archery
Badminton
Basketball (with drug-testing guidelines)
Billiards
Bocce
Bowling
Cow Pie Hurling
Cricket
Dog Sled Racing
Skiing (when elapsed time determines the winner)
Field Hockey
Football (with drug testing guidelines)
Golf (walking, of course)
Ice Hockey
Lacrosse
Ping Pong
Long-distance Running
Racquetball
Rugby
Soccer (ignoring some subjective officiating)
Tennis (with drug-testing guidelines)
Volleyball

Tainted Sports:
Baseball
Cycling
Horse Racing
Softball
Swimming
Track and Field
Weight Lifting

Subjectively-Scored Sports:
Boxing
Diving
Figure skating
Gymnastics
Juggling
Martial Arts
Snow-boarding
Wrestling ??

Mechanized Sports:
All Motor Sports
Most wheel chair-assisted sports
Golf in a motorized cart ??
Quidditch (those flying broomsticks are not energy efficient)

Outdoor Sports:
Canoeing/Kayaking
Catfish Noodling (Google it)
Fishing
Hunting
Hiking
Jogging
Sky Diving

Not Sports:
Bar Hopping
Body Building
Beer Bonging
Corn Hole (can't use those two words together in a newspaper)
Hot Dog Eating Contests
Rock-Paper-Scissors
Swim Suit Contests
Texas-Hold-Em Poker
Watching Women's Beach Volleyball

I always thought I was a sports fan, but considering the above categories,  I find I excel at the "Not Sports," (with the proviso that my "Body Building" is all about bulking up in all the wrong places).

Gang of Five Rips "Dem" from Democracy

Last week my friend, Buck, had a vision which he wanted to share with me at our weekly breakfast. We met at Nick's Diner on Bancroft Street at 9 AM, and he shared the details of his  "vision." As I enjoyed my Boston Breakfast, Buck provided the following soliloquy:

Nobody else knows this, but I want you , my friend, to be the first to know. Last night after Scott Walker survived a recall vote in Wisconsin, Chief Justice John Roberts held a conference call with the four other members of his "Gang of Five."


Speaking of Walker's victory, Robert said to the others, "Now that's what I'm talking about! Tonight's results are the reason we became activists and passed  Citizens United, Those with the money prevailed. This is the new version of democracy. Thanks to our work, the wealthy can now manipulate democracy. We're not like Vladimir Putin who manages democracy with the use of KGB tactics. With our five votes on the Supreme Court we have provided the extremely wealthy with the power to control the country."


"Right on," exclaimed Clarence Thomas. "That's why they spent all that capital to get us on the Court. And it's only just that we, in return,  give them what they want."


"Wait a minute there, Clarence," interjected Justice Alito. "We can't let the public think we made that decision based on politics. In our confirmation hearings we suggested we were going to be fair and impartial 'umpires,'  just calling balls and strikes as we saw them, but not writing the rules as to the definition of a ball and strike. Now of course, in Citizens United we did rewrite the rules, but we cannot admit that or the political motivation of the decision."


"And in all due deference to your outspoken honesty, Judge Thomas, it is best that you continue to refrain from speaking in court hearings, if you know what I mean?"


"Don't take that in the wrong way Clarence," Roberts said. "We appreciate the ties you and Justice Scalia have with  conservative Republican organizations. That is very helpful to the cause; it's just that we want to maintain the facade of impartiality as long as we can."


"Screw impartiality" Justice Scalia shouted. "God has given us this opportunity  to manipulate democracy to fit His vision for the United States. We know the framers of the Constitution wanted to seperate Church and State, but this is our opportunity to redefine democracy. This is our hour. Carpe diem. Who knows what will happen if we get more women and liberals on the Court. God forbid! It is in our hands to redefine democracy and although we made a good start with Citizens United, there is much more we can do. For starters, we have to shoot down Obamacare."


"Wait a minute,"  Justice Kennedy said. " You guys are suggesting replacing democracy with plutocracy. I am confident that the Founding Fathers would not have agreed with you.  Secondly, and with all due respect, I  must ask what our role is as Supreme Court Justices. When we took the oath of office, we swore to uphold the Constitution of the United States which requires us ' to promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.' I repeat, it says the 'general Welfare,' not 'the Welfare of the wealthy.' As for promoting partisan politics, that is the very thing the Supreme Court was to avoid, and is contrary to our oath of office."


"Yada, Yada," interjected Justice Thomas. "Save your pious postering for the press. I was placed on this court by people who had expectations and being the grateful soul that I am, I will accommodate their  agenda."


"Clarence, you a man of few words," Justice Scalia said, " but you get to the heart of the matter."


"Wait a minute, guys," Justice Roberts said. "I am the Chief Justice and I do not want to be remembered as the 'umpire who was a fan of the winning team'."


"Fine John," said Alito. "You can use all your pious platitudes to make it sound as if you're impartial, but the people who gave you your job-for-life have expectations. Find a way to have it both ways, but make sure the GOP agenda prevails."


By this point, I had finished my Boston Breakfast, but Buck's Country Skillet was barely touched. He called the waitress over and asked her to take it away. When she asked what was wrong with it, he said the Country Skillet was fine, but the country itself is doomed. When she started to suggest an alternative, I motioned her away and asked for both checks. Perhaps Buck was still hungry, but I was satisfied.

Graduation Wishes Remain the Same

As our neighbors' daughter, Drew, graduated from Ottawa Hills High School, my thoughts returned to the day my daughter, Bridgette, graduated from Notre Dame Academy, and I recalled what I had written on that occasion. Back then, blogs were unheard of, but today in 2012, on Drew's graduation,  I can share the same thoughts I had on Bridgette's.


It is a wish of mine
      on this graduation day

That you may continue the search,
      knowing the prize is often elusive..
That you may continue the struggle,
      knowing victories are often hollow.
That you may achieve peace,
      knowing it is temporary.
That you may build love,
      knowing it will need constant attention.
That you may climb the mountain,
     knowing you must descend.
That you may build an Eiffel Tower,
      knowing it will rust.
That you may write poetry,
      knowing it will be misunderstood.
That you may soar into space,
      knowing the danger of re-entry.
That you may give birth,
     knowing it is the beginning of death.
That you may design a cathedral,
      knowing another is designing a bomb.
That you may embrace life,
      knowing that it too will pass.

And, it is also a wish of mine:
      that you will laugh more
              than you cry
      that you will win more
              than you lose
      that you will create  more
             than you destroy
      that you will pray more
              than you curse
      that you will hope more
              than you despair
      that you will love more 
              than you hate.

And, if I may have one last wish,
      may it be this:
      that you always hold your head as high
      as it is on this commencement day.

Say It With A Song: Top 40

Sometimes a good song title captures the spirit, and sometimes a bad song title speaks the truth. Since I was unable to think of any good titles, I am sharing "The Top Forty" bad song titles. Perhaps some actually speak the truth.

The titles appear in no particular order; for how can one impose order on the ridiculous?

Purposeful Ignorance by the Creationists
Send in the Clowns by  the Tea Party
Nothing Pays Like Lobbying Congress by The K Street Boys
Have to Love the GOP, They Let us Write our Own Regs by The Exxon Frackers
I Love Firing the Maid by Mitt Romney and the Job Killers
Elected Offices Available to the Highest Bidders by the John Roberts Quintet
It's Good to be Filthy Rich by Mitt Romney and the One Percent
You Betcha, We  Love Guns and Money by Sarah Palin and Clan
I Can't Dump Trump by Mitt Romney and the Desperados
Frack, Baby, Frack! by John Kasich and the Lemmings


Males Were Made to Rule by Benedict's Bishops
The Audacity of Obstructionists by Barack Obama
Show Me the Way Home by George W. Bush and the Neocons
Keep 'em From Voting by Rick Scott and the Exclusionists
Can't Stop Loving You Evangelicals, You're So Easy by Karl Rove and the Panderers
Who Told the Nuns They Have God-given Rights?  by The Hierarchicals
Damn the Butler! He Revealed our Financial Shenanigans by the Vatican Bankers
We Were Just Kidding About Wanting Your "Tired and Poor"  by  The Mitch McConnell Quartet
Ohio is For Sale to the Highest Bidder or Best-Connected by Kasich and the Kochs
What Happened to Abe, Teddy, and Ike? by the Real Republicans

Another Day, Closed Another Factory by Mitt and the Bain Boys
Mamie, Please Tell Me I Didn't Choose Nixon by Dwight Eisenhower
Doesn't Everyone Have a Car Elevator in their Garage? by Richie Romney
Please Don't Make Me Cry Again,  About Nothing! by Speaker John Boehner
It's All About Rhythm  by  Cardinal Nolan and the Rhythmettes
If It's Not White, It's Not Right by the Tea Party and Skinhead Alliance
Women's Role in Life is to Reproduce by Rick Santorum and The Otherwise Confused
Global warming Is a Myth by The Science Deniers
Money is Democracy by the Roberts' Supreme Court Faction
The Holy Spirit Never Showed Up at Vatican II  by the Catholic Revisionists

We Need That Damn Berlin Wall in Arizona by Governor Jan Brewer
God Helps the Priveleged by the Stinking Wealthy
Where's My Etch-a Sketch? I Have to Change My Position Again." by Mitt and the Flip-Floppers
Science Sucks! by the Flat Earth Society
Damn, I Thought Democracy Was Free by the No-Taxers
Mommy, May I have Some More Pink Slime? by the Beef Boys
My Ancestors Worked Hard for My Money by The Inherited
What Did He Expect Wearing a Hoodie? by the Vigilantes
Who's Afraid of a Little Flammable Drinking Water? by the Koch Bros.
We're All For Women Suffrage, If They Suffer In Silence by Catholic Bishops

This list is far from complete. If you would like to add a title, please do so in the "comments."

A Gentleman Departed

A close friend and fellow tennis player, Bill Rathbun, passed away last night, and reflecting on his life and death, I found myself repeatedly defining him as a "gentleman." 

Unfortunately, that term requires some explanation. For some it refers to class, as in "English Gentleman" or "Gentleman Farmer." For others, it refers to a certain suavity  as exemplified by the James Bond character.

Bill Rathbun was neither.

I was then reminded of Cardinal John Henry Newman's description of a "true gentleman." He wrote:

"The true gentleman in like manner carefully avoids whatever may cause ajar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast; -- all clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern being to make every one at their ease and at home.

He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender towards the bashful, gentle towards the distant, and merciful towards the absurd; he can recollect to whom he is speaking; he guards against unseasonable allusions, or topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and never wearisome. He makes light of favours while he does them, and seems to be receiving when he is conferring.

He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never defends himself by a mere retort, he has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets everything for the best.

He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp sayings for arguments, or insinuates evil which he dare not say out. From a long-sighted prudence, he observes the maxim of the ancient sage, that we should ever conduct ourselves towards our enemy as if he were one day to be our friend.

He has too much good sense to be affronted at insults, he is too well employed to remember injuries, and too indolent to bear malice. He is patient, forbearing, and resigned, on philosophical principles; he submits to pain, because it is inevitable, to bereavement, because it is irreparable, and to death, because it is his destiny. If he engages in controversy of any kind, his disciplined intellect preserves him from the blunder. " This indeed describes my friend, Bill. May he rest in peace, the peace he has earned. [The above quotation is taken from "The Idea of a University," 1852.]

Spies, Baseball, & Evolution

Marlin Park Miami

Since rain brought an abrupt end to our golf game, Buck and I decided to go to the Dew Drop Inn and fantasize about all of the birdies we might have had. Fortunately, Charlene, an old friend, was working behind the bar, and our Yuenglings were in our hands before we deposited our significant posteriors on the bar stools.
      "What brings you boys in this early?' she asked.
      "Rain ruined our golf game," I offered.
      "Yeh, as though you jokers actually have a golf game.You boys are better off in here. Who knows? Out on the course, you two old fools might drive your golf cart into the lake and drown yourselves. And quite frankly, I'm tired of going to funerals."
     "I'm not sure I'd invite you to my funeral," Buck said. "I don't like your attitude."
     "Buck, you're an idiot! You don't get to invite guests to your funeral. You're dead and people come if they want to. In your case, a whole group of us will come just to dance on your grave."
      "I love it when you sweet talk me, Charlene."
      " I have an idea,' she said, "why don't you two geezers amuse yourselves, and I'll take care of real customers."


Buck and I silently contemplated the concept of geezerhood as we drank our beers. Charlene was obviously confused if she thought we were geezers.


On our second draught, Buck was on to his favorite topic -- the news. "Did you read about that MI6 spy who was found dead in England? His dead, naked body was found in a suitcase. But that's not the interesting part. The British government thinks he purposefully enclosed himself in the suitcase and asphyxiated himself. Me thinks somebody needs a reality check over there in Scotland Yard."
       "You never know," I said, "strange things happen."
       "Speaking of strange things," he continued. "Did you see that the Miami Marlin  baseball team opened a new baseball stadium in the Little Havana area of  Miami?" Before I could respond, he continued. "This new stadium, called Marlin Park, has a retractable roof, air conditioning, and, well, you will never believe this, a damned swimming pool. A roof, air conditioning, and a swimming pool at a baseball park. What is this world coming to? Who needs a swimming pool at a baseball park? I'll tell you, 'mambiepambies', that's who!"
      "Well, Buck, times are changing."
      "But that's not the worst part; they financed the damned thing with $515 million of public money --that is taxpayers' money, my friend!"
      "Why would taxpayers agree to do that?"
      "Because they told them it would contribute to the 'economic development" of the city. Can you believe it? How many cities across the country fell for that line of bull, only to discover it never replaces the money invested. But once again, another city has fallen for the scam."
      "Well, at least they have air conditioning, but I doubt that Abner Doubleday, even in his wildest dreams, envisioned playing baseball in an air conditioned environment."


Charlene refilled our beer glasses while we ordered a plate  of pickled herring.


      "I suppose you know,"  Buck said, "the Tennessee State Senate passed a bill which allows 'Creationism' to be taught in public schools."
      "Okay, Buck. I think you've had too many Yuenglings. Clarence Darrow fought that battle in Dayton, Tennessee,  years ago."
      "Well, my friend, you're right, but these assholes don't go away. They just keep coming back like syphilis. The thing is, they've changed the name to 'Intelligent Design.' Although the whole scientific world knows the significance of evolution, these people are going to pretend that creationism is a possibility. Hello?   Creationism is based on a religious Middle Eastern story which was never meant to be taken literally, but the Radical Religious Republicans choose to believe it and ignore all the scientific evidence for evolution."
     "Well, they have the right to believe whatever they want. Freedom of Religion, you know."
     "That's exactly the problem. They're trying to foster religion in public schools! I don't begrudge them the right to believe whatever the hell they want. They can believe the Rapture is going to take place on December 13, 2012, but they do not have the right to be teaching that in public schools. Our Founding Fathers knew damn well that mixing religion and government was a recipe for disaster, but religious radicals keep trying to change this country into a theocracy like Iran."
     "So Freedom of Religion involves Freedom from Religion?"
     "You're damn right. Keep religion out of public schools! Those schools are paid for by Hindus, Deists, Agnostics, Atheists and a whole truckload of other ....ists. Why do Christians think it's all about them and their religion?"


      At this point Charlene offered to refill out drinks, but Buck asked, "Charlene, do you believe in creationism?"
      "Of course, I do," she said. "I believe God created us all equal, but then, some people,like the two of you, find out  you can't play golf  and, after a few Yuenglings, want to solve the world's problems instead of learning how to putt."
      We then asked for our check.

20 Books Not To Read

Although I have the nasty habit of recommending books to my friends,  former friends, and just about anyone who will listen, I have compiled a list of books I do not recommend to anyone. In fact I would not wish these books on my many enemies.


The books in this list are in no particular order because they are equally devoid of merit.


1. Principles of Ethical Journalism by Rupert Murdoch
2. Pollution Solutions by the Koch Bros.
3. Proper Etiquette When Addressing a Co-ed by Rush Limbaugh
4. Etch-a-Sketch Made Simple by Mitt Romney
5. The Art of Silence by Joe Biden
6. Pedophile Prevention by Cardinal Bernard Law
7. Firearm Safety by Dick Cheney
8. Recipes For Dog Meat by Barack Obama
9. Geography Made Simple by Sarah Palin
10.How to Choose a Vice Presidential Running-mate by John McCain


Although I am told the Catholic Church no longer issues an Index of Forbidden Books, I am issuing my own Index and any books listed anywhere on this page should be burned in a conflagration of which Savonarola would have been proud. 


11. Effective Contraceptive Techniques by Rick Santorum
12. Hair Styling by Donald Trump
13. Techniques for Transporting Canines by Mitt Romney
14. Principles of a Just War by George W. Bush
15. Principles of Democracy by Czar Vladimir Putin
16. Women's Health Care by Archbishop Timothy Nolan of New York
17. Immigration Solution: Self-Deportation  by Mitt Romney
18. How to Save the American Auto Industry by Mitt Romney
19. Marital Fidelity by Newt Gingrich
20. Feeding the Hungry of the World by Ron Paul


My ancestors would not be proud that I am "banning books," but these titles speak for themselves and beg to be banned, burned, or otherwise destroyed.

Buck's Last Confession

The Confessional

At our weekly breakfast this week, my friend, Buck, shared the following monologue: 

Having been raised a Catholic and having been "a practicing Catholic" ever since,  I always went to Confession to be absolved of my many sins. Although it has been a while, I recently felt the need to clear my soul of various tawdry actions which have been hanging over me like a dark cloud.


So last Saturday afternoon, I went  to Confession at St. Isadore's.


When I entered, I said: "Bless me, Father,  for I have sinned. My last Confession has been some time ago. I confess that I went to Walmart and purchased a DVD."


The priest said, " Ahhh,  I understand. The DVD was pornographic?"


"Hell, no. I'm not a pervert! My sin was that I went to Walmart and made a purchase."


"No, my son, that is not a sin."


"But Father, do you know how Walmart treats its workers. Walmart makes money  by depriving them of their just benefits."


"Son, I don't think that violates any of the Ten Commandments "


"But, what did Moses know about modern labor practices?"


"Well, that's not a sin. I myself went to Walmart yesterday and bought some razor blades, at a great price, I might add."


"But Father. What about the Church's teaching of a fair wage for a fair day's work? What about Pope Leo XIII's encyclical? And what about Walmart paying bribes all over Mexico in order to dominate the market?'


"Okay, you are getting crazy here. Do you have anything else to confess? I mean, real sins?"


"Yes. Here's one that really embarrasses me. It may be my biggest sin. I voted for George W. Bush! Not once, but twice! So I guess it is two mortal sins. I am terribly sorry. Lay it on me; I am guilty. What's my penance? Should I climb Mt. Kilimanjaro on my knees? Should I go to Arizona and live in a cave in the desert?"


"No, my Son. That's not a sin. I know several bishops who voted for George W. Bush."


"Okay, so are those bishops going to join me in the desert repenting for their sins?"


"No, you idiot!"


"Excuse me? Are you calling me and those bishops idiots?"


"What? Where did you come from?"


"Nathanville, Ohio, but I'm not sure that is relevant. Most of the people in Nathanville did not commit the sin of voting for George W. Bush."


"Why are you here? Why did I get stuck with you?


"Divine Providence! And you are a real priest, aren't you?"


"Yes, of course, I am a real priest. And you? You are a nut case or one of those California  wackadoodles."


'Please. Stop flattering me. I am a serious sinner hoping to be absolved of my sins, but I'm sensing a bit of disconnect here."


"Dear Mother of God! What did I do to deserve this?"


"Please Father, this is my confession. I am not in a position to comment on your sins -- or absolve you thereof."


"Okay, that's enough. Let's get to your real sins. Did you ever use contraception?"


"Excuse me? I thought you said 'real sins?'"


"Did you ever use a condom?"


"Frequently and I am proud of it."


"So, you really have committed a sin?"


"Yes, I supported Walmart and voted for George W. Bush."


"Jesus Christ! I am sick of perverts like you."


"I didn't know that voting for George W. Bush was a perversion, but if you say so, I am guilty"


"This is unreal!"


"Well, for what it's worth, I never abused young boys and girls. Does that count for something?"


"What are you insinuating?"


"Because I voted for George W. Bush, over 4,000 American soldiers died, many times that number were permanently maimed and perhaps as many as 40,000 Iraqis were killed. For those and all my sins, I am sincerely sorry/"


"Okay, promise me. If I absolve you, you will leave."


"Okay.  It's a deal."


Even days later, Buck is still scratching his head about the condom thing.


(The above is as I remember it, and therefore may not be literally exact. Buck propbably used more colorful language than that I attribute to him.)